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Part time teen climate change activist and full time school skiver Greta Thunberg has dramatically changed her view about rising sea levels after the misfortune of visiting Cleethorpes last weekend. The fiery young angry Swede was so horrified by what she saw she now hopes sea levels continue to rise and wipe the town off
As parts of the UK witnesses it’s first day of snow in 2020, leaders of the Church of England consider whether they should move Christmas day to a day which is more likely to experience snow. According to the Church of England, the baby lord Jesus was officially born on the 25th of December 2020
The long anticipated question of “how many children does Boris have?” may finally be answered. Talks are underway between ITV and 10 downing street to revive “The Jeremy Kyle Show” to finally answer the long awaited question. After crumbling under substantial pressure Boris has been quoted as saying “we should proceed without dither and delay”
The NHS just has to struggle through the last few days of January and then everything will be fine. “Free hips and parking for all!” One consultant shouted across a packed waiting room. With the extra £350 million per week that was promised by the ever trust worthy Boris Johnson (Check his big red bus
“Hydration is key”: Shouted Helen ‘H2O’ Waterford to The Sausage whilst performing 10 squats in her high heels and grey two piece office suite. H2O Waterford has kick-started a new ‘health and wellness’ routine this year and has had a stainless steel water bottle glued to her hand so that she can constantly replenish her
January 2021 is to be cut down to just 21 days in a bid to relieve millions of struggling workers from financial and mental misery brought about from the usual overspending during Christmas and New Year. January, which up until now had 31 days, will take over from February as the calendar’s shortest month with
Paul Carling 31 admitted to The Sausage that he cannot watch anything on the TV without bursting into tears after a big night out with the lads. Paul told The Sausage: “I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older my hangovers have become more unbearable and more vicious. Throbbing headaches, churning stomach, feeling like you want
For those people who work from home getting dressed is the number one challenge faced, with getting out of bed a close second. According to The Department for Studies and Research, the number of people who spend the working day festering in their under rackets has doubled in the past 12 years. Slightly underdressed home-worker
The famous time lord and lover of the human race who has saved planet Earth from annihilation several times admitted that she disguises her Tardis as a toilet when she visits Gainsborough. “I am not saying Gainsborough is shit but… well, yeah, ok I am. It’s shit here,” said Dr Who, who is now a
Dry January has been downgraded this year to mildly moist across the country it has been revealed. Millions of people, who had started the New Year with the best of intentions have already got their eager eye on what’s left of the festive seasons booze and leftover party food as their hangovers clear, thinking “Sod
A Lincolnshire man who drinks a litre and a half of brake fluid every day claims that he’s not addicted and that he can stop any time he wants. Paul Halt, 45, began drinking brake fluid on his 16th birthday and he has been drinking it everyday since. “I started by just doing shots of
Local post persons from across the county who haven’t spoken a word to Lincolnshire residents for 350 days have suddenly become friendly and approachable over the past couple of weeks. Local post person, Pat O’Cake who usually waits around the corner until people have gone out so he can push his ‘We called while you
A lovely kind hearted retired neighbour in Lincolnshire has confirmed that it is ‘absolutely fine’ and he is in no way cheesed off about collecting his neighbours Amazon deliveries. The good willed neighbour named Ronald told The Sausage “that is was no problem whatsoever” to be regularly interrupted and used as a parcel pick-up point
Lincolnshire parents have been advised by the Met office to layer up on their pajamas and put their fluffy winter dressing gown on today for the morning school run as it’s a bit fresh out there. The school run could take a little longer this morning due to there being a General Election with mum’s
An unnamed Lincolnshiresman was left in that dicey catch 22 situation last night as his wife of five years uttered those soul destroying words ‘let’s not bother getting anything for each other this year for Christmas darling’ as they lay in bed. “It will save us having to spend pointless amounts of money on each
Brexit advent calendar has gone on sale a few days late with fuckall, false promises, lies and disappointment behind each door. The overpriced £15.50 festive product has a variety of picture predictions on every door from 1 to 24, but almost all windows end up entirely blank and lifeless, and after number 20 they don’t
