on Facebook
RSS Feed
Lincolnshire parents have been advised by the Met office to layer up on their pajamas and put their fluffy winter dressing gown on today for the morning school run as it’s a bit fresh out there. The school run could take a little longer this morning due to there being a General Election with mum’s
An unnamed Lincolnshiresman was left in that dicey catch 22 situation last night as his wife of five years uttered those soul destroying words ‘let’s not bother getting anything for each other this year for Christmas darling’ as they lay in bed. “It will save us having to spend pointless amounts of money on each
A Lincolnshire dog is preparing himself to be blamed for seasonal family farting, brought on by overindulgence of sprouts, dates, and other festive fare. Springer Spaniel Benji, 6, says that he will be openly blamed for all of the toxic gases and nose numbing niffs on Christmas Day. Benji told The Sausage: “I will take
Brexit advent calendar has gone on sale a few days late with fuckall, false promises, lies and disappointment behind each door. The overpriced £15.50 festive product has a variety of picture predictions on every door from 1 to 24, but almost all windows end up entirely blank and lifeless, and after number 20 they don’t
Voters in Lincolnshire face an agonising choice in the upcoming general election as they attempt to balance their dislike of Johnny foreigners or their general hatred of anyone with money. It’s a dilemma which is causing mental torment and creating a lot of soul searching throughout the county. It could basically come down to… do
The parents of a naturally musically un-gifted child have discovered that a violin can sound upto twenty five times worse than the ear splitting recorder. Tanya and Paul Fiddlebottom had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Little Donkey and Three Blind Mice, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a
Men would rather be a snotty, uncontrollable shivering mess on the verge of pneumonia or death than use an umbrella and look like a soft big girls blouse it has been revealed. Office dweller, sorry office worker Luke Warm insists on going out in the rain wearing just a jacket causing him to get soaked
In a statement a palace spokesperson told The Sausage: “Prince Andrew will appear on a one off special of the Jeremy Kyle Show next Wednesday in a bid to clear his name and quash some of the allegations that have been thrown at him. It seems like short notice but honestly this has been planned
Sitting quietly squeezing a foam rubber ball and thinking about dolphins swimming peacefully in the tranquil ocean is nowhere near as effective as giving someone a bloody good clout to relieve stress, scientists say. Stress balls are often used in high-pressure office and workshop environments to help members of staff work off unwanted nervous energy
An irate Daily Heil reader has complained about the number of immigrants he saw in his local hospital’s A&E department over the weekend. He was left disappointed when one bandaged his arm and another took him for an X-ray. 63 year old Robert Bleekin, fell from a ladder in a work-related accident last Friday. The
Humpty Dumpty spoke of his shock and disbelief yesterday after learning that he had been found fit for work after enduring a probing assessment by examiners at the Department for Work and Pensions. Mr Dumpty, who has been left unable to walk, talk properly, move or even play bingo since being smashed into multiple pieces
A should be retired local assembly worker and full time gammon has accused a fellow work colleague of brainwashing people. Apparently the brainwashing happened in a scientific controlled area of the factory known as ‘the factory stores’ where ‘The Lefty’ – as he has been affectionately nicknamed – hides out awaiting his Brexit loving prey.
An Audi driver has scribbled a letter in his favourite coloured crayon addressed to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth asking for a chuffing Knighthood and a public holiday to be named after him after letting a pensioner out at a junction, it has emerged. Pete Ennis, 32, from Lincoln’s Birchwood estate was in a line of
Residents and business owners in Gainsborough have admitted that they are ‘absolutely over the flipping moon’ after it was announced that the Coke Truck has been scheduled to visit the town centre on November the 29th. According to a spokesperson for organisers Sniff ‘n’ Blow International, the small Lincolnshire market town of Gainsborough has been
More than 250 people have been arrested as part of an operation to crackdown on disrespectful non Poppy wearing. Since mid the start of November 250 people – described as pacifists, communists and immigrant loving tree hugging lefty types – have been arrested following a series of dawn raids around Lincolnshire for various offences including
A recent study has shown that buying a Vauxhall is just like buying a scratch card in the fact that usually every one in five is a winner. Over the years Vauxhall’s have been littered with several well known problems ranging from windows suddenly opening on their own as soon as they hit 70 mph
