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December 14, 2019

Layer Up For A Cold Damp Election Day.

Lincolnshire parents have been advised by the Met office to layer up on their pajamas and put their fluffy winter dressing gown on today for the morning school run as it’s a bit fresh out there. The school run could take a little longer this morning due to there being a General Election with mum’s

Christmas

That Bloody Dogs Farted Again!

A Lincolnshire dog is preparing himself to be blamed for seasonal family farting, brought on by overindulgence of sprouts, dates, and other festive fare. Springer Spaniel Benji, 6, says that he will be openly blamed for all of the toxic gases and nose numbing niffs on Christmas Day.  Benji told The Sausage: “I will take

Brexit

Food Banks Or Johnny Foreigners, Who Wins? You Decide!

Voters in Lincolnshire face an agonising choice in the upcoming general election as they attempt to balance their dislike of Johnny foreigners or their general hatred of anyone with money. It’s a dilemma which is causing mental torment and creating a lot of soul searching throughout the county. It could basically come down to… do

Music

Child Tortures Parents With Violin!

The parents of a naturally musically un-gifted child have discovered that a violin can sound upto twenty five times worse than the ear splitting recorder. Tanya and Paul Fiddlebottom had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Little Donkey and Three Blind Mice, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a

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News

Umbrella Sir? No Thanks I’m Too Manly For That.

Men would rather be a snotty, uncontrollable shivering mess on the verge of pneumonia or death than use an umbrella and look like a soft big girls blouse it has been revealed. Office dweller, sorry office worker Luke Warm insists on going out in the rain wearing just a jacket causing him to get soaked

Benefits

Humpty Dumpty Fit For Work Say DWP

Humpty Dumpty spoke of his shock and disbelief yesterday after learning that he had been found fit for work after enduring a probing assessment by examiners at the Department for Work and Pensions. Mr Dumpty, who has been left unable to walk, talk properly, move or even play bingo since being smashed into multiple pieces

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News

Audi Driver Demands A Kinghthood !

An Audi driver has scribbled a letter in his favourite coloured crayon addressed to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth asking for a chuffing Knighthood and a public holiday to be named after him after letting a pensioner out at a junction, it has emerged. Pete Ennis, 32, from Lincoln’s Birchwood estate was in a line of

Buying A Vauxhall Is Like Buying Scratch Cards.

A recent study has shown that buying a Vauxhall is just like buying a scratch card in the fact that usually every one in five is a winner. Over the years Vauxhall’s have been littered with several well known problems ranging from windows suddenly opening on their own as soon as they hit 70 mph

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