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The new social distancing regulations of table ordering and filling out of forms only lasted until the bottom of the second pint yesterday as pubs re-opened their doors once again. Well we say re-opened their doors once again, if the rumours are to be believed, some establishments in Gainsborough having secret drinks behind closed curtains.
Skeggy and Mabo were hit hard today as crowds came from miles around to enjoy the hottest day of the year so far. Despite advice to stay away from the area, it was overrun with cars, sunbathers and bus wankers all using the ‘Cummings and Goings’ law which allows a person to drive to a
Gainsborough folk who do not smoke cannabis face fines and could be sent to prison under tough new drug laws. The small inbred Lincolnshire town is to make cannabis use compulsory for all residents under 50 years old with penalties for anyone who does not have any form of the drug in a bedroom drawer
Bojo Cummings Limo Hire Ltd. Say that their support team driver who rammed the PM up the arse yesterday has been ordered to attend an eye test at Barnard Castle. Mr T. Orybellend, a spokesperson for Bojo Cummings Limo Hire Ltd told The Sausage: “The driver will be made to drive up to Barnard Castle
Scunny resident John Brownson has cut his beard after nine months, only to remember the original purpose of the beard was to hide his dumb looking baby face and four chins from others. John told The Sausage: “It’s not that I think I’m dog ugly, it’s just that my face is a bit dumb and
The Jolly Fisherman has thrown the gauntlet down to the statue topplers of the world offering free knuckle butties to anyone who dares to challenge him, basically saying ” Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough!” The Lincolnshire icon and Skegvegas celebrity told The Sausage: ” Anyone who wants to come
Upper class supermarket Waitrose has taken social distancing to a whole new level – by banning anyone who doesn’t claim the maximum Furlough payment of £2500 a month or a pension which pays less than that from its shops. The new rules, which have come into force this week, ensure that common folk are kept
Parents across the land rejoice as it’s 1st of June and that means one thing, no not meeting up with 5 friends but some children are finally going back to school after a long, long Covid 19 holiday. The school Covid19 holiday is being compared to the SAS selection process and it is rumoured that
A red faced man who turned up at Lincoln County Hospitals A&E department has denied allegations of sexual perversion, instead claiming he was conducting an experiment to see if a large object would fit in a small hole. Simon Blenkout from Marton, was forced to visit his local Accident & Emergency department after getting an
Local Drug Lord Levi Skaggface told The Sausage: “Lockdown has provided us with many obstacles and with many dealers including myself having to furlough their county lines drug runners to keep cost down and due to the lack of work with travel restrictions in place, we had to look down different avenues.” “How was I
A woman who constantly ordered items from Amazon during the lockdown woke up one morning to find that her husband had decided to build himself a fortress out of all the packaging. Ady Mann made himself a stunning twin turret fortress with a full operational drawbridge out 84 boxes, 25 kilograms of brown paper and
A furloughed factory worker from Gainsborough who has been at home for the past six weeks due to the Coronavirus lockdown, has said that he doesn’t mind ‘one bit’, and that he hopes it goes on for many more months. David Woodson, who works at a manufacturing company making automated packaging equipment told The Sausage:”The
The Society of Science and Dog Walking released a statement this afternoon saying that people who don’t own a dog but go for a daily walk are a little bit odd and are probably up to no good and should be approached with caution. Double the distance of social distancing is advised. Dober Mann, a
April the 24th needs marking down as an historical event because a cure for stupidity was born and we have the Great Donald Trump to thank, slow hand clap please. Throughout this coronavirus crisis good old Donald, the leader of the free world, has turned daily White House task force briefings into a rambling two-hour
An incredibly brave and selfless man has risked catching the coronavirus at a Gainsborough supermarket because his mother needed some brandy and six bottles of lemonade because she cannot go out because of her twelve week lockdown. Andy Mann had ventured out to his local Lidl and Aldi last night wearing only a protective mask
The Sausage learnt today that the Pandemic of mini cooper drivers is worse than expected. Male Mini Cooper drivers seem to follow a few of the same traits such as, being a jumped up little bastard who are trying to look wealthier than they usually are. Trying to make their mark in the property industry
