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Samantha Frogman, from Gainsborough, blew up at her sons, aged five and eight, 175 separate times in the 65 minutes it took to get them up out of bed and to school. In that time they had to get washed – several times, brush their teeth, have breakfast, get dressed, get in the car, go
A Zimbabwean elephant named Nellie expressed disappointment and feels let down that poachers are only interested in his tusks and overlooked his mighty fine generous portion of an ass. Nellie told The Sausage: “These poachers are only interested in one thing when they came sneaking into my habitat late Wednesday night all they wanted was
A local football dad, who wishes to remain anonymous because his missus would batter ten bells of shit out of him if she found out he was moaning, was absolutely heartbroken this morning after opening up his emails. Dave (not his real name) logged into his computer to check his emails when he got to
A statement released last night from Downing St says that sheep dips are to be trialed at airports from next week.This is the latest move by the Government in a bid to halt the spread of Covid-19. The proven system used by farmers across the world to protect their sheep against infestation from external parasites
A proud Englishman and R Tommeh worshiper has stated in various social media posts, as well as bragged down the pub after several pints of Stella, that he’d do absolutely anything for his country apart from ‘wear a chuffing face mask’ during a global pandemic. Terrance Cockwomble, 42 from Gainsborough told The Sausage: “I’m willing
A Lincolnshire family who bought a caravan to save money have been forced to blow their life savings on all the fucking equipment you need to go with it. The Brownjacksmith family of Gainsborough, bought the second hand five berth Sprite caravan from Torksey Caravans before realising they would also need the outdoor supplies of
A Scunthorpe couple caused a major rift in their social circles after branding their friends Facebook posts as boring. The fallout comes after Danny Ranged and his partner Louisa Obotimised criticised their friend’s holiday pics and videos which featured a combination of food, buildings, places, scenery and a few loving selfies. “I wouldn’t mind,” said
Boris Johnson has finally got his finger out and has announced the date for glory holes and woodland/beauty spot dogging sites to reopen. Popular car park dogging spots are to remain closed for longer though due to supermarkets having extended click and collect hours. Boris doesn’t want old Mavis going to collect her weekly shop
The new social distancing regulations of table ordering and filling out of forms only lasted until the bottom of the second pint yesterday as pubs re-opened their doors once again. Well we say re-opened their doors once again, if the rumours are to be believed, some establishments in Gainsborough having secret drinks behind closed curtains.
Skeggy and Mabo were hit hard today as crowds came from miles around to enjoy the hottest day of the year so far. Despite advice to stay away from the area, it was overrun with cars, sunbathers and bus wankers all using the ‘Cummings and Goings’ law which allows a person to drive to a
Gainsborough folk who do not smoke cannabis face fines and could be sent to prison under tough new drug laws. The small inbred Lincolnshire town is to make cannabis use compulsory for all residents under 50 years old with penalties for anyone who does not have any form of the drug in a bedroom drawer
Bojo Cummings Limo Hire Ltd. Say that their support team driver who rammed the PM up the arse yesterday has been ordered to attend an eye test at Barnard Castle. Mr T. Orybellend, a spokesperson for Bojo Cummings Limo Hire Ltd told The Sausage: “The driver will be made to drive up to Barnard Castle
Local Drug Lord Levi Skaggface told The Sausage: “Lockdown has provided us with many obstacles and with many dealers including myself having to furlough their county lines drug runners to keep cost down and due to the lack of work with travel restrictions in place, we had to look down different avenues.” “How was I
A furloughed factory worker from Gainsborough who has been at home for the past six weeks due to the Coronavirus lockdown, has said that he doesn’t mind ‘one bit’, and that he hopes it goes on for many more months. David Woodson, who works at a manufacturing company making automated packaging equipment told The Sausage:”The
The Society of Science and Dog Walking released a statement this afternoon saying that people who don’t own a dog but go for a daily walk are a little bit odd and are probably up to no good and should be approached with caution. Double the distance of social distancing is advised. Dober Mann, a
April the 24th needs marking down as an historical event because a cure for stupidity was born and we have the Great Donald Trump to thank, slow hand clap please. Throughout this coronavirus crisis good old Donald, the leader of the free world, has turned daily White House task force briefings into a rambling two-hour
