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March 30, 2020

Local Town Renamed G-troit As Crime And Violence Increases.


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A sleepy town in Lincolnshire famous for it headless horseman and ugly women where nothing much happens apart from the odd derelict building fire and the often bridge strike, has become a no-go area for some locals.

Recently the town has witnessed a major increase in crime, and the townsfolk are demanding urgent action to tackle drug dealing, knife crime, menacing threats. Local resident M. Oistgusset told us that he was too afraid to dump his unused sofa and rolled-up carpet in the council flats garden in case he was challenged by a gang of knife carrying yoofs.

“You need a damn stab vest just to go out fly tipping these days! It’s out of order!” He said through the letter box while hiding in his flat.

One local who came forward wishing to remain anonymous told the Sausage: “It’s like downtown Detroit with police chases, kids selling drugs on the corner and everything. I’ve even seen that Ten Bob Tina bird from Scunny touting for business on market day when she comes to collect an emergency fix of skag. I guess Scunny dries up now and then.”

Click here to read more about Ten Bob Tina and her prices!

Other residents say that they have been threatened with iron bars or with acid. The increase in youth related crime is making their lives miserable… Innit!

Mike Alcox the neighborhood watch chairman also known in the area as Curtain Twitching General Nosey Bastard said, “I can remember when this was a beautiful town where you didn’t have to lock your door at night or sleep with a golf club next to your bed.”

Another local known as Ravey Davey said: “You used to be able to walk down the street without a care in the world and just nip down to the back of the old magistrates court and pick up an 8th or an E. But now you dare not leave your house in case you are mugged for your stash. I mean, what is the world coming to when your stash is taxed by some young scroat. I pay for my stash out of my own hard earned benefits.”

Over the past few months locals have renamed Gainsborough G-troit, and it is becoming more noticeable if you live on the wrong side of the tracks, quite literally. If you live on the north side of the lorry eating rail bridge on Lea Road, you are 75% more likely to be a victim of crime.

A spokesman for the council who lives in Lea told the Sausage, “The reason that people on the other side of the bridge are more likely to be victims of crime is because that is where most of the scummy scroats live too. Which is why I moved to Lea.”

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