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August 9, 2020

Military Gather As Tensions On The Lincolnshire & Nottinghamshire Border Mount After Trent Port Manager Is Heard Saying That The Food At The Lincolnshire Otter ‘Is S**T!’


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Tensions on the Lincolnshire Nottinghamshire border escalated today as troops from the famous East Anglia Regiment were seen gathering at Trent Bridge. 

Soldiers were seen moving heavy armoury along Lea Rd towards Trent Bridge early Monday morning.

Cannons were aimed at the Trent Port in response to the managers scathing criticism of Gainsborough’s favourite road side eating establishment the Lincolnshire Otter.

Trent Port’s manager was overheard saying “Our pizzas are better than the Otters, you don’t want to eat there, their food is s**t!”

His comments were heard by a Gainsborough family visiting Trent Port on Sunday after taking their dog for a s**t on the Nottinghamshire side of the river Trent.

“We take Snuffles every weekend for a walk along the river bank then call in for a quick coffee at Trent Port, but I can tell you now, we shan’t be setting foot in that place ever again while that manager is still working there.”

News about the comments soon spread over Facebook. Gainsborough folk were up in arms and quick to condemn the comments saying that the food at the Trent Port ‘is not all that either.’

“The veg on their carvery was that soft, I call it the ‘squashery!’” Said one disgruntled Gainsborough woman who chose to remain nameless.

The Battle of The Posh Pizzarias, as it is being called could become as vicious as the War of the Roses which saw two neighbouring counties go to war over bugger all back in 1455 which lasted for 30 years.

Mr S. Megma of Gainsborough told the Sausage “I once had a pizza at that Trent Port and it was cold and uncooked. The dough was still half raw. The Italians would have been horrified to see their greatest invention being sold in such a shoddy manner!”

Softly spoken Beckingham Grandma Betty Swallocks backed up the Trent Port managers comments saying ‘Well, it’s true, we once stopped at the Otter on the way back from Cleggy for something to eat and my pizza was soggy. My husbands hot pot was as cold as a dead Alaskan huskies todger buried under the worst snow drifter ever recorded. If that is what those yellow belly motherf**kers think is acceptable and want a war then I hope our boys kick their motherf**king arses!”

Proud Gainsborough butcher and part time EDL supporter M. Eathead said “I have never liked those folks over the river, funny f**kers they are. They have beady eyes, close together, bit dodgy if you ask me.”

Saundby pensioner Mr F. Latulence was seen running around the village with a pitch fork shouting ‘Don’t Panic! They don’t like it up ‘em!” 

Villagers from Beckingham and Saundby met for an emergency meeting at the Beckingham village hall last night calling for the creation of a Nottinghamshire Home Guard ready to fight should tensions escalate any further.

Many pensioners have been seen gathering in Trent Port’s carpark armed with garden tools and kitchen implements.

Up at the Lincolnshire Otter, a crowd of 50 or so armed with beer bottles and walking sticks were getting ready to march down the dual carriageway for a proper old fashioned fisticuffs with their neighbours across the water. 

Major R. Swipe of the 1st Royal Yellow Belly Infantry said ‘We are here only for peacekeeping measures, we hope that the tension will subside and peace between the two counties can return back to normal. Especially as my wife is from the other side of the river and she insists that if things get worse I shall be cooking my own tea tonight!”

The Sausage will keep you updated with news from the front line as it happens.


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