On The Non Day Of Christmas His Work Colleagues Gave To Him… 24 Inches of Rubber And a Beating Near A Pear Tree..
A man has been battered to death today at a local dildo factory after humming festive tunes at his workstation.
Mark Childsworth, 33 from Cleethorps who was the Chief Product Tester, started humming ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ followed by ‘Jingle Bells’.
“I’m not quite sure what happened,” an out of breath David Jackel, Marks blood-spattered colleague told The Sausage.
“We were slowly getting wound up listening to him humming them tunes but once he started whistling that god awful Fairytale Of New York, I lost my shit! We instinctively set upon him like a pack of starving dogs who had heard a packet of biscuits being opened.”
“He ran outside into the carpark and over to the orchard next door. We caught up with him as he tried to escape climbing a pear tree.”
“I’m not pointing the finger of blame at anyone but I would suggest it is entirely his own fault. It’s the middle of October for Pete’s sake. The time to sing annoying shit Christmas songs is December 1st and no sooner.”
Davids colleague and fellow culprit, Fu King said, “ever since I moved here from Japan I have never liked him or Christmas but we may have gone a bit too far this time. I didn’t wealise what damage 24 inches of wubber could do to somebody externally.”
“We can only hope any Judge in the land will see our side of the story and I weckon a box of the finest chocolates for his wife is in order and at the very least a few free samples of our products to plug the holes in her life. Although we might pop a note in the box explaining our actions and reiterate that basically it was all his fault.”