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November 13, 2019

Drink Drive? Who Me? No I’m Just A Human Brewery!


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A teetotal Lincoln factory worker arrested by Lincolnshire Traffic Police for drink driving had his conviction overturned when it was revealed that he actually has a bizarre and rare medical condition called ABS (auto-brewery-syndrome) which causes his stomach to brew beer.

Paul Brewer-Barleyson 58 from Westwick Drive Lincoln was stopped on Tillbridge Lane in the early hours of Sunday morning.

Traffic office PC P-Lod told the Sausage: “My colleague and I could not believe the reading after the gentleman gave a sample, he was five times over the drink drive limit. He maintained that he had not consumed any alcohol but we could only go on the reading from our breathalyser so we had to nick him with minimal police brutality.”

Paul’s condition was only diagnosed after he decided that he could not be charged with drink driving and paid for some tests to be done.

“I could not let myself be charged as I’m teetotal. I had to do something, so I paid to have some private medical tests done and to cut a long story short, after some painful probing and several thousand pounds later, it turns out that I have high levels of Saccharomyces in my shit which is more commonly known as brewers yeast.”

“If I eat a lot of carbohydrates the Saccharomyces converts it to alcohol. So it’s a pint of diet coke and no packets of crisps for me when I go out now.”

“I should have guessed I had something wrong with me because when I was contracting at another company, a guy was convinced that I was coming to work drunk. He even accused me of ‘topping up at break times and at dinner’. He used to go around saying, ‘he’s pissed…he’s pissed’. But this was simply not true, it was my high carb diet and my gut of brewing fungus to blame. Basically I was getting plastered on pasta.”

“I just want to put this whole episode behind me and reconnect with my family who disowned me thinking that I was an alcoholic because of the alleged drunk driving offence. But on the plus side, a local brewery have said they will buy buckets of my shit. I’m quids in now.”

   

  

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