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May 28, 2020

Don’t Want People To Think You’re A Dick? Wear A Poppy Suggests Scientific Research

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People who choose to wear a poppy in the last week of October and the first weeks of November are far better people than those who don’t a new study by Lincoln University has revealed.

Researchers at the Human Virtues Department of the university interviewed several men, women and gender neutral folk from a wide range of ages, backgrounds and from all over the county.

The results were conclusive and there was no doubt in the expert professional minds of the researchers that wearing a poppy makes you a much better person.

“Even if you’ve had the same poppy pinned to your winter coat for the last five years and not parted with a penny, you will be perceived as a good person.” Said Professor Harry Bow.

“Should you forget to put your poppy on or change coat without shifting your poppy over you run the risk of being tarred with the same brush as those god awful tree hugging passerfists who want global peace, who don’t want to celebrate and glorify war and don’t believe that banging on about something that happened many generations ago is healthy for a nation and help reduce harmful xenophobic jingoistic nationalism.”

“Being a non poppy wearing long hair hippy layabout type marks you out as a bad apple and a potential risk to national security.”

The Sausage understands that making a private donation and remembering those killed in combat in your own quiet way without wearing any visual reference is all well and good but it’s a surefire route to finding yourself ranked somewhere between Gary Glitter and Adolf Hitler in the opinion of the fellow Lincolnshire folk across the county. 

Let’s face it, you wouldn’t want to be classed as one of those tight Yorkshire folk from across the border and you would be well advised to pop £1 and into the nearest collection box in return for a bit of poor quality red plastic instead.


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