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The parents of a naturally musically un-gifted child have discovered that a violin can sound upto twenty five times worse than the ear splitting recorder. Tanya and Paul Fiddlebottom had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Little Donkey and Three Blind Mice, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a
Men would rather be a snotty, uncontrollable shivering mess on the verge of pneumonia or death than use an umbrella and look like a soft big girls blouse it has been revealed. Office dweller, sorry office worker Luke Warm insists on going out in the rain wearing just a jacket causing him to get soaked
In a statement a palace spokesperson told The Sausage: “Prince Andrew will appear on a one off special of the Jeremy Kyle Show next Wednesday in a bid to clear his name and quash some of the allegations that have been thrown at him. It seems like short notice but honestly this has been planned
Sitting quietly squeezing a foam rubber ball and thinking about dolphins swimming peacefully in the tranquil ocean is nowhere near as effective as giving someone a bloody good clout to relieve stress, scientists say. Stress balls are often used in high-pressure office and workshop environments to help members of staff work off unwanted nervous energy
An irate Daily Heil reader has complained about the number of immigrants he saw in his local hospital’s A&E department over the weekend. He was left disappointed when one bandaged his arm and another took him for an X-ray. 63 year old Robert Bleekin, fell from a ladder in a work-related accident last Friday. The
Humpty Dumpty spoke of his shock and disbelief yesterday after learning that he had been found fit for work after enduring a probing assessment by examiners at the Department for Work and Pensions. Mr Dumpty, who has been left unable to walk, talk properly, move or even play bingo since being smashed into multiple pieces
A should be retired local assembly worker and full time gammon has accused a fellow work colleague of brainwashing people. Apparently the brainwashing happened in a scientific controlled area of the factory known as ‘the factory stores’ where ‘The Lefty’ – as he has been affectionately nicknamed – hides out awaiting his Brexit loving prey.
An Audi driver has scribbled a letter in his favourite coloured crayon addressed to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth asking for a chuffing Knighthood and a public holiday to be named after him after letting a pensioner out at a junction, it has emerged. Pete Ennis, 32, from Lincoln’s Birchwood estate was in a line of
Residents and business owners in Gainsborough have admitted that they are ‘absolutely over the flipping moon’ after it was announced that the Coke Truck has been scheduled to visit the town centre on November the 29th. According to a spokesperson for organisers Sniff ‘n’ Blow International, the small Lincolnshire market town of Gainsborough has been
More than 250 people have been arrested as part of an operation to crackdown on disrespectful non Poppy wearing. Since mid the start of November 250 people – described as pacifists, communists and immigrant loving tree hugging lefty types – have been arrested following a series of dawn raids around Lincolnshire for various offences including
