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March 30, 2020

Archives for November 2019

Child Tortures Parents With Violin!

The parents of a naturally musically un-gifted child have discovered that a violin can sound upto twenty five times worse than the ear splitting recorder. Tanya and Paul Fiddlebottom had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Little Donkey and Three Blind Mice, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a

Squeezing Stress Balls Are Not As Effective As Giving Somebody A Good Clout Say Scientists.

Sitting quietly squeezing a foam rubber ball and thinking about dolphins swimming peacefully in the tranquil ocean is nowhere near as effective as giving someone a bloody good clout to relieve stress, scientists say. Stress balls are often used in high-pressure office and workshop environments to help members of staff work off unwanted nervous energy

Furious Daily Heil Reader Flabbergasted At The Amount Of Immigrants At The Local Hospital!

An irate Daily Heil reader has complained about the number of immigrants he saw in his local hospital’s A&E department over the weekend. He was left disappointed when one bandaged his arm and another took him for an X-ray. 63 year old Robert Bleekin, fell from a ladder in a work-related accident last Friday. The

Humpty Dumpty Fit For Work Say DWP

Humpty Dumpty spoke of his shock and disbelief yesterday after learning that he had been found fit for work after enduring a probing assessment by examiners at the Department for Work and Pensions. Mr Dumpty, who has been left unable to walk, talk properly, move or even play bingo since being smashed into multiple pieces

Local Remainer Accused Of Brainwashing Potential Impressionable Gammons In To Being Pro European.

A should be retired local assembly worker and full time gammon has accused a fellow work colleague of brainwashing people. Apparently the brainwashing happened in a scientific controlled area of the factory known as ‘the factory stores’ where ‘The Lefty’ – as he has been affectionately nicknamed – hides out awaiting his Brexit loving prey.

A White Christmas For The People Of Gainsborough As The Coke Truck Schedules A Seasonal Stop Off.

Residents and business owners in Gainsborough have admitted that they are ‘absolutely over the flipping moon’ after it was announced that the Coke Truck has been scheduled to visit the town centre on November the 29th. According to a spokesperson for organisers Sniff ‘n’ Blow International, the small Lincolnshire market town of Gainsborough has been

Breaking News! 250 Immigrant Loving Disrespectful Tree Hugger Types Arrested In County-Wide Crackdown On Non Poppy Wearing

More than 250 people have been arrested as part of an operation to crackdown on disrespectful non Poppy wearing. Since mid the start of November 250 people – described as pacifists, communists and immigrant loving tree hugging lefty types –  have been arrested following a series of dawn raids around Lincolnshire for various offences including

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