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January 29, 2020

Unruly Children To Be Tethered To The Outside Of Public Transport To Ensure ‘Quite’ Journeys

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Annoying children are to be tethered to the outside of planes, trains and buses so they can play outside and avoid disturbing older passengers who like quiet.

The suggestion to tether children to the outside of public transport came after 78 year old Mr G. Rumpybum saw the environmentalists glue themselves to London’s Tube Trains as part of the Extinction Rebellion protests.


“I saw all of those unwashed long haired lefty communist tree hugging layabouts sticking themselves to trains and thought… what a great place for them! They stink and make a racket the lazy so and sos… and then it hit me… noisy shitty little brats… we could do the same with them and so I began writing to all of the transport companies. And to my delight, they thought it was a great idea.”

The decision has been agreed upon by all major public services and has the backing of the majority of passengers and MPs.

All child passengers will be tested for any signs of ALSS – annoying little shit syndrome – during the new security process. It will involve a retired teacher asking them a few questions whilst prodding them with a stick and being asked to sit on a chair for a couple of minutes without moving or making a sound.

If they fail the test and show signs of being pestlike and annoying they will be tethered to the outside of the vehicle so they can play and make as much noise as they like. Hopefully tiring themselves out early in the process too.

The drastic move was made after a growing number of complaints by childless passengers and OAPs who were sick of crying babies and young children running up and down the aisles. 

Mr Upin Arms told The Sausage: “Flying is bad enough as it is without having some kids bumping into my elbow every couple of minutes or kicking the back of my seat making unnecessary noise causing me distress. This move is long overdue!”

Even the parents of annoying and unruly children are onboard with the idea and cannot wait to take their child on a public transport ride.

“If it gives me ten minutes peace and quiet from the little shits on the way into town to do the Thursday big shop, I’m all for it,” said Charlene-Beyonce-Rihanna-Mary-Jane-Lou-Lou Smith, a tired mother of two little boys.

The tethers will be placed around the child’s waist, neck or ankle whichever the parent prefers.

A spokesperson for Age Concern expressed concerns that by removing all unruly children from public transport the old people would run out of things to moan about. His worries were quashed when it was pointed out that they were ‘old people’.  

“Moaning is part of their nature, they can look into the brightest of suns and still find the blackest of black spots,” explained scientific researcher Professor Bri Ology of the University Of Life.


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