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December 14, 2019

A White Christmas For The People Of Gainsborough As The Coke Truck Schedules A Seasonal Stop Off.


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Residents and business owners in Gainsborough have admitted that they are ‘absolutely over the flipping moon’ after it was announced that the Coke Truck has been scheduled to visit the town centre on November the 29th.

According to a spokesperson for organisers Sniff ‘n’ Blow International, the small Lincolnshire market town of Gainsborough has been added to this year’s calendar after bosses were extremely impressed at the recent drugs sales figures for the area. 

The company was originally concerned that Brexit would lead to a decline in the number of people wanting to get off their tits in the area.

Local mum of four Charmaine Sackrider told The Sausage, “The event is a massive opportunity  for me and my four children and all four of their dads to get together and have a bonding evening.”

“It will be great for the town after we missed out in previous years having to suffer that fecking awful drinks brand lorry instead. You know the one, the ‘tastes like shite’ shitty sugary cola, very bad for your health and teeth with the famous red lorry covered in a ton of wanky light bulbs.” 

“It came and left a bad taste in my mouth leaving me and the town very disappointed. I am looking forward to the Coke Truck visiting town, at least we know we shall be happy as Larry for a few hours.” 

“My three and five year old have been begging me to let them have a couple of lines for ages now. Also I think it’ll give my oldest a confidence boost as he is just getting to that age when he is thinking about his future. As for my baby she will have to wait a few more years at least until she can roll her own fags.”

“Our Chez-Pharrell recently went to a local careers fair down Stanley Street and there were so many stalls there that he couldn’t decide between a weed farm horticulture apprenticeship or a good old fashioned role in cross-border anal concealment.”

“Seeing the Coke Truck in all of its glory parked in Marshalls Yard will hopefully inspire him to make the right choice, maybe he could become the next Pablo Escobar.”

Local dentist Dex Traction has welcomed the event, he told The Sausage, “Towns that have been graced with the Coke Truck’s presence have seen a 355% rise in cases being reported where people have been unable to feel their own teeth.”

“I am expecting a very busy few days in the run up to Christmas so guess who’s off to Florida for Christmas?”

Lincolnshire Police have confirmed that there will be an increased presence around the town and will have at least two of its officers that aren’t buzzing off their merry tits in on duty.

Sgt. Axel Foley of Lincolnshire’s Recreational Class A Events Organisation Team said, “We are keen to avoid a repeat of last year’s embarrassing scenes when the truck visited Grimsby and ended up on bricks outside Papas Chippy.”

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