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December 14, 2019

Humpty Dumpty Fit For Work Say DWP


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Humpty Dumpty spoke of his shock and disbelief yesterday after learning that he had been found fit for work after enduring a probing assessment by examiners at the Department for Work and Pensions.

Mr Dumpty, who has been left unable to walk, talk properly, move or even play bingo since being smashed into multiple pieces after suffering a great fall and had been signed off work for months.

Mr Dumpty can now only get around town using a mobility scooter made from a converted giant egg cup.

However, the DWP has now found that he is fit and able to work after scoring one point above the required limit that would see him entitled to ongoing disability benefits.

A statement on behalf of Humpty Dumpty was read outside the appeals court this morning:

“I just can’t believe it. Doctor after doctor has told me that under no circumstances should an egg in my condition be going back to work. Since my accident I have felt completely scrambled. I feel really let down, I’ve had several medical procedures all of which have been unsuccessful.”

“Even all the King’s men couldn’t put me back together again for chuffs sake! Yet these Tory bellends at the DWP have stopped all my benefits and expect me to just get a job tomorrow and carry on as though nothing has happened.”

When The Sausage questioned a spokesperson for the DWP they brushed aside Mr Dumpty’s concerns and questioned why he was sitting on the wall in the first place. Jacob Rees-Mog’s lot clearly not happy with his lack of common sense approach to sitting on a dangerous wall. 

The spokesperson for the DWP also stating that there are multiple zero hour contract jobs which Mr Dumpty could apply for.

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