Sitting quietly squeezing a foam rubber ball and thinking about dolphins swimming peacefully in the tranquil ocean is nowhere near as effective as giving someone a bloody good clout to relieve stress, scientists say.
Stress balls are often used in high-pressure office and workshop environments to help members of staff work off unwanted nervous energy and tension caused by annoying colleagues.
In a year long study performed by a scientific research team from Lincoln University it was found that instead of reaching for those moderately expensive squishy stress balls a good right hand to the ear of the offending person is not only cheaper but extremely satisfying.
Justin Case, an employee who works at a German engineering giant in Lincoln beginning with S told The Sausage: “First of all I would like the company who I work for to remain anonymous as I fear a stressful situation could occur.”
“My foreman is a prickly little shit, in fact I think he may have been Hitler in a former life. Recently he has been filling me with rage and hate just because he is part incompetent and let’s other members of staff get away with murder but demands 150% out of me… ‘give a busy man a job ‘n’ all’.”
“I’ve been trying my hardest to burn off my rage and frustration at him by squeezing a squeaky stress pig I got free from a sales rep years ago, but no matter how hard I squeezed it I never felt any less stressed. In fact the squeak got on my tits.”
“Last Wednesday I woke up thinking it was Thursday so I wasn’t in the best of moods as you can probably relate, and as soon as I had clocked on he was on me. Can you do this? Can you do that? I’d had enough so I tried clocking him one firmly in the spuds. He quickly left me in peace.”
“After that, every time he annoyed me I would alternate between ear and spuds. I instantly felt a lot better, and… he stopped asking me to do the extra work which other slack arse bastards weren’t getting done. He began nagging them more instead.”
“It’s a bloody miracle, it was like jesus had blessed me with new powers.”
Justin now plans to market his new found technique and write a book with the title ‘Factory Worker Banishes Workplace Stress With This One Simple Hack.’