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December 14, 2019

Child Tortures Parents With Violin!


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The parents of a naturally musically un-gifted child have discovered that a violin can sound upto twenty five times worse than the ear splitting recorder.

Tanya and Paul Fiddlebottom had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Little Donkey and Three Blind Mice, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a more sophisticated and pleasant sound. 

Tanya told The Sausage: “It turns out that the violin creates just as many painful deafening decibels, but it has extra potential to be really out of tune and fecking screachy. When Alice plays, I can only describe it as feeling like Satan is penetrating our ears with a dildo wrapped in barbwire!”

“I used to love The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. Now I can’t listen to it without my ears bleeding and imagining the horror which all those violinists’ parents had to suffer. If I hear my child screech out One More Step Along The World I (Chuffing) Go once more I swear I’ll cut off my own ears.”

“I don’t know how much more we can take…I am seriously considering paying a visit to the music teacher at school and sticking it where the sun doesn’t shine!”

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