Dry January has been downgraded this year to mildly moist across the country it has been revealed. Millions of people, who had started the New Year with the best of intentions have already got their eager eye on what’s left of the festive seasons booze and leftover party food as their hangovers clear, thinking “Sod it! A few pints and a packet of pretzels won’t hurt”.
Summing up the feelings of a whole nation, Alky Holic from S-cunthorpe told The Sausage: “I fully intended doing Dry January this year, which is why I guzzled down my own body weight in beer over the festive period to prepare. It seemed like an absolutely fantastic idea while I was drinking, but now I’ve come to realise that Dry January means exactly what it says on the tin, not drinking… which is bollocks. Why would anyone of sane mind want to do that? The Queen Mother lived to be 176 or something and she was completely off her merry tits most nights. She was a complete and utter piss head if you ask me!.”
Not everyone in the country had given up on the idea though. Sam Drymouth from Marton is determined to see Dry January out and has already been out for a quick 10 mile run this morning as well as a 25 mile bike ride to make up for the four pints of shandy he had at Christmas.