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March 30, 2020

Lincoln Business Woman’s Water Habits More Fanatical Than An ISIS Brainwashing Camp Commander


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“Hydration is key”: Shouted Helen ‘H2O’ Waterford to The Sausage whilst performing 10 squats in her high heels and grey two piece office suite.

H2O Waterford has kick-started a new ‘health and wellness’ routine this year and has had a stainless steel water bottle glued to her hand so that she can constantly replenish her body’s water stocks.

No matter the time of day, social occasion or high powered business meeting, Helen has not been seen without the 750ml capacity, carbon neutral, environmentally friendly, fairtrade sourced H2O bottle at hand as she attempts to ‘live her best life’ and constantly retain the recommended amount of water. 

She even has reminders linked to her smartwatch to tell her how much to drink and when.

L. Ardarse, a co-worker of Helen, told The Sausage: “Alright, we get it, unlike the rest of us, you don’t treat your body like a great big landfill site where all the alcohol and takeaways go. Stop showing off and acting like a twat. But on the plus side she doesn’t steal my cakes anymore.”

Despite having the bottle permanently welded to her right hand, H2O still manages to enjoy a normal existence which includes carrying out work tasks, washing up, ironing, driving, cycling, going to the gym and wiping her arse after doing a number two. But the sound of the bottle’s metal cap constantly being unscrewed and screwed throughout the day remains incredibly irritating to those who are in close proximity to Waterford.

“She even changes out of her work shoes at lunch so she can jog 6 metres to the cafe to get a fancy salad, and then stops 3 times to take a gobful of water. You worry about some people you know,” added Pi Face another coworker of the ever popular H2O. “And Christ on a bike, the amount of times a day she bangs on about how much water I should be drinking each day! I tell her, ‘I am drinking weak black tea from a cup the size of a bucket, I am getting more than enough hydration’. But, apparently if it ain’t the clear clean stuff which tastes like the inside of your mouth, my body won’t accept it. What bollocks.”

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