Friday night all across Britain celebrations were being held as the UK withdrew from the European Union project, a project which has kept peace across Europe for over 70 years.
During a small celebration held outside a Polish food shop in Scunthorpe by a handful of gapped toothed British patriots shouting slogans like ‘British jobs for British people’, ‘making Britain great again, it’s time you lot left’, and ‘fuck you Brussels!’ our reporter noticed that most of the beer quaffed that evening were not made by British breweries.
Our reporter stopped and asked Mr Arthur Witt, a local man from Scunthorpe known to his friends as Arf, why no one was drinking a Triple XB (XXXB) – a smooth yet distinctively flavoured English tawny beer – brewed by Batemans here in Lincolnshire or a Spitfire – a premium Kentish ale made with 3 Kent grown hops brewed by Shepherd Neame’s, Britain’s oldest brewer.
“A wot?” Replied Arf Witt while cracking open up another can of Belgium’s finest Stella Artois.
Mr Witt was asked whether he realised that Stella Artois was brewed in Belgium, the country which Brussels was the capital.
“You trying to be funny? We won, it’s time you losers got over it!” said Mr Arf Witt, nearly knocking himself out by slapping his can of Stella hard against his forehead trying to make an L shape with his fingers.
“I like beer, and no one in the EU is going to bully me and tell me wot I can drink no more.”
When asked whether he felt bad that British breweries were struggling due to local people choosing European beers as their beer of choice when it came to racially motivated nationalistic political celebrations and that struggling British breweries meant possible British job losses.
Mr Arf Witt replied “Eh? I don’t know nuthin about no job losses. But, we get our country back, we can make our own laws and we are not forced to have to buy any of that foreign shite no more. From now on, it’s Britain first and British jobs for British people.”
“The Germans can bugger off, we can now rule our own country again,” sang one single brain-celled EDL amoeba interrupting the interview while thrusting a bottle of Becks in our reporters face before vomiting on himself.
“It’s all abaaart sovrintrees, Churchill would be reet proud of us today, seeing the Union Jack flying once again over the ‘ouses of Parliament.” Said the amoeba spitting more lumps of carrot and sweet corn everywhere.
Winston Churchill, who was recently voted as one of Britain’s best loved and most important Brits of all time, was a big supporter of the European Union concept.
“Wot have the Poles and Czechs ever done for us?” Shouted another celebrating ‘patriot’.
The vacant look on his face when told that the best performing Spitfire unit during the Battle Of Britain were the Polish pilots of 303 Squadron and that Czech born exile Josef Frantisek was the ‘top scorer’ of the Battle of Britain exposed his inability to think properly.
He eventually replied when his brain kicked in again, “Naw we can tell ’em to speak pwoper inglish, non of that shit which sounds like a chokin’ cow, init.”
The drinks mostly enjoyed during the evenings Brexit celebrations were Stella Artois, Kronenburg and Becks. Unfortunately there was not one local British beer in sight during the evenings celebrations of all things British.