Fitness, ‘a nightmare that never ends?’
If you want to be fit, thin and maintain good health, then you have to keep doing exercise forever, it has emerged.
Spending time eating healthily and doing sports have been condemned as a massive scam after it was revealed that they only lead to having to invest in more healthy eating and more sport.
Kevin Lovely of Lincolnshire told The Sausage: “After three months of going to the gym I asked my personal trainer when I’d be fit enough to stop all this and go back to eating a bakers tray full of pies? eat the fuck out of some pies.
“The look on her face. She said that if I relaxed my diet regime even for a week then the fat would pile on again, even faster than before and I’d have my Homer Simpson physique back in no time. if anything, I should be ramping it up another couple of levels.”
“I thought it’d be like GCSE’S where once you’ve passed you never have to think about algebra ever again, but it’s more like revising my history exam five nights a week for the rest of your life.”
“She says after a while I won’t even want a Toblerone any more. That hurt me, in fact it even made me cry whilst I was on the running machine.”
Personal trainer Sally Pullups told The Sausage whilst maintaining a perfect plank position: “Getting healthy isn’t a sprint, it’s an endless marathon through life facing featureless terrain pretending that chips, pizza and sitting around watching telly doesn’t exist.”
“However I do have the warm glow of smugness knowing that I’m better than everyone else and that one day I will be the fittest person in the cemetery.”
“Unless they’re right and I’m the moron. Which sometimes I occasionally think, but I don’t dwell on it for long as negativity saps your strength and is just a massive waste of time and energy, and I blast any self doubt out of my system with a nice barefoot eight-mile run followed by a small ramekin of chopped carrots and water dip.”