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April 9, 2020

Gainsborough Soap Addict Comes Clean About Cleaning Up His Habit

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A Gainsborough man who has spent most of the last few years blowing bubbles in the town centre last night confirmed that he was now clean after being addicted to soap since the age of 21.

“It’s all bollocks about weed being a gateway drug if I’m honest with you.” Cried Imperial Leather as he took a swig of his prescribed methadone.

Mr Leather, or ‘Imp’ to his friends, admitted that his soap addiction started just after his grandmother had died and started using Dove to deal with the pain of grief.

“I remember the day well, me and my mum were clearing out my nan’s bathroom when I came across her half used bar of Dove. I can always remember my nan saying ‘you can’t beat Dove duck.’ she was right because that night I tried some straight from the block! My god it was pure as white driven snow.”

“After the first lick I knew that there would be no going back and before I could take stock of life, bang! I was on the hard stuff. I had progressed to liquid soap also known as the heroine of the soap world.”

“As my addiction progressively took over my life I quit my job, left the family home and lived under a motorway bridge for a while. I knew when I’d hit rock bottom when I was arrested for drinking the liquid soap at my local McDonald’s.”

“This was a massive wake up call and now I’m on a soap addiction course which seems to be helping as I now know soap is for skin and not for drinking, sniffing or injecting.”

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