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March 30, 2020

Horror As Storm Ciara Blows Grimsby Couple From Benefits Office Into Job Centre


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Storm Ciara brought more misery and horror to the people of north Lincolnshire this week. Grimsby, the quiet sleepy north Lincs coastal town with a unique aroma of fish, chip fat and sweat was bearing the brunt of winds raging up to 60 miles per hour.

Several people including Mr Josh Clunge and Ms Ri-Ri-Rihanna Princess Dingle experienced the horrendous trauma of being swept away by the strong winds and being carried several metres through the town centre before being deposited in the towns job centre.

“Monday is sign on day, we had t’ go and sign on otherwise our universal credit would be stopped and that means no pasties for a fortnight.” Said Mr Clunge. “No pasties, fags or beer. We had no choice but t’ go out into the storm and sign on.”

“It was terrifying,” Ms Dingle told us. “We were just about t’ open t’ door t’ dole office when the wind just picked us up.”

“My favourite signing on walking sticks never touched t’ floor as we were blown past Greggs, and Wetherspoons.” Said Mr Clunge visibly shaken at being forced past both establishments without calling in. 

“We nearly came out on our mobility scooters, I am glad we didn’t, them Union Jack flags would have acted like sails! Who knows where t’ fuck we would have ended up!” Said Ms Dingle in tears. “We could have been on our way across t’ ‘Umber towards that there ‘Ull.”

“As soon as we crashed through t’ doors of the job centre, the man at the podium asked us what jobs we were looking for, well I suffered a panic attack.” Said Mr Clunge. “The whole episode was terrifying. I can’t wait for this day to be over.”

Mr Clunge and Ms Dingle, along with many others are now under close observation in Wetherspoons recuperating with a pint and a Greggs pastie. They managed to sign on with a little help from the staff at the job centre and several ambulance crews. Natural order has been restored.

Local councillors and council workers were at first enjoying the extra help from Storm Ciara as she cleaned the streets of chip wrappers and the smog made up of sweat, fish stink and chip fat known locally as T’ Grimsby Stink.

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