Being petty or antagonistic in the workplace is the sole reason people actually get up out of their comfortable bed each morning and go to work.
Top scientists at Lincoln University have found that pathetic, childish work-based spats, and squabbles about biscuits, staplers, allen keys, pointless antagonistic signs and unwashed cups provided greater incentive than any promotion or pay rise.
Office worker (dweller), Andy Schoson told The Sausage:“When I’m at home I couldn’t give a flying chuff if my husband Bert doesn’t wash his cup straight after using it or doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet.”
“But at work, that’s a different story… It’s playtime for me. It’s like a feast. A huge passive-aggressive feast.”
Schoson explained that he starts by leaving ‘little notes’ or ‘pointless signs’ about the workplace and then ‘ramps it up’ a level by mentioning the unwashed cup while standing next to someone’s desk.
He added: “It makes me feel absolutely fantastic, totally empowered. Somedays I even get a mighty cock-on”
Schoson’s fellow work colleague Jack Brownnoseson said: “Someone brought in a big tub of Celebrations last Christmas. But I fucking loathe this place and every chuffing one in it, so I took out all the Malteaser ones and wiped them on my arse crack and rewrapped them.”
“I then took all of the Galaxy Caramels out, I don’t even like them I just threw them away out of spite. I just wanted to make sure none of the arseholes I have to spend my day with got any. It was better than sex from a dirty male hooker in Amsterdam I tell ya. You know the type, no holes barred and long latex gloves are not compulsory.”