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November 30, 2020

BREAKING NEWS: GOVERNMENT ADVISES AGAINST ALL NON-ESSENTIAL TRAVEL TO S’CUNTHORPE!


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The British Government has advised against all non-essential travel to S’cunthorpe

A government spokesperson has confirmed that official advice about travelling to ‘The Arsehole  of Lincolnshire’ – also known as the ‘Lincolnshire’s Front Bottom’’ – has been issued.

He told The Sausage: “We are now advising people against all non-essential travel to Sunny Scummy and surrounding areas.”

“This has absolutely nothing to do with Coronavirus, it’s just because it’s an absolute shit tip of a god forsaken place. Even the seagulls fly upside down because there’s nowt worth shitting on, and let’s face it, the Coronavirus couldn’t survive on a Scunthorpian person.”

“And also, if anyone has been unfortunate to travel to the area within the last two weeks please make sure you have been to your local sheep dip for cleansing and we are advising you to check that all their debit cards are still where nature intended and to look for any suspicious purchases.”

“I was only there last week, ‘n chuff me, I’ve never seen so many Staffys called ‘Tyson’ and kids named ‘Pharrell’ and ‘Destiny’ in all of my days. Honestly the place is so bad even germs won’t live there. It’s like Hull’s poorer unwanted and unwashed inbred cousin.”

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