A Lincolnshire man was left feeling violated this week after he removed some of his belongings which had been in storage for three months whilst he searched for a flat.
Roger Parsons a mild mannered man from Blyton had collected the last box of belongings from the storage unit and had noticed a strange noise coming from the crockery box.
“I was making my way to my new flat down by the river in Gainsborough when I noticed a strange noise coming from the box, at first it thought the car radio had turned itself on, I thought nothing of it at first but then I heard….
‘Oi you, you tree hugging lefty!’
‘We want our borders back!’
“I dismissed the noise thinking maybe the pint I had in Wetherspoons for breakfast had gone to my head. I know ‘Big Tim’ has managed to brainwash 95% of his clientele. I thought maybe it was happening to me. It was only when I started to unwrap the cups and plates I noticed that I had wrapped them in the Daily Heil my mother had given me.”
“Which means my cups, like Brexit supporters, had been brainwashed by the Daily Heil. And even after scrubbing in hot soapy water and 24 hours in sterilisation fluid, the hatred is still there.”
“Last night when I sat down to watch Vera with my favourite cup of Yorkshire tea made with Lincolnshire water, the only way Yorkshire tea should be made, I heard the cup say…
‘If we had control of our borders this Coronavirus wouldn’t have reached our shores!’ and ‘the big red bus was only a suggestion of how we could use the money.’…
“It gave the tea an unpalatable fascist flavour. It was undrinkable.”
“I don’t know what to do, I’m at my wit’s end, I don’t want to get brainwashed by the brainwashed. Maybe I should send them all to the gas chamber… sorry I meant dishwasher. See it’s happening to me now!”
“Next I will be shaving my head and changing my name to Adolf and meeting up at the local Wetherspoons each week for breakfast on pension and dole day.”