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September 22, 2020

Chinese Takeaway In Hull Sees Sales Surge After Major Dip Now That Local Brainiacs Boycott Luigi’s Pizzeria After Italy Self-Isolates


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A local Chinese Takeaway who saw its sales drop by nearly 80% when the Coronvirus began to spread outside of China has reported a near 100% surge in sales this week.

Foo Kin Ijuts, the owner of the Beijing Garden Dragon Great Wall Chippy said “I couldn’t believe it when people stopped coming in for food. As soon as cases of Covid-19 started to be reported outside of China sales were down.”

“It was so bad I thought I might have to close. Sales dropped by 80%, even a couple of loyal customers came in wearing masks and glove when picking up their foo yungs and chow meins. I wouldn’t mind, but I was born in Doncaster and haven’t been to China visiting family for over 20 years.”

The owner has seen a sudden increase in sales since the news that Italy has self-isolated a quarter of its population and stopped many flights in and out of the country.

“This has been so good for me,” said Mr Ijuts. “I can recoup some of my lost profit from last months devastating drop. I do feel sorry for Luigi though, I’ve been there. It’s hard to believe that people will boycott a local takeaway in fear of catching a cold which is running amok several thousand miles away… just because you happen to have the same biological make up as the population in that area.”

The owner of Luigi’s Pizzeria, Fusilli Iditoas told the Sausage “Lasta month, when the Coronavirus wasa going crazy ina China I enjoyed a surge ina my sales. I solda manya pizzas, profits went upa by nearly 100%. But nowa they are going downa. Lasta nighta I had only solda one garlic bread supreme and a deep pan meat feast with large fries.”

“I wouldn’ta mind, but I am nota Italian, my mother is from Scily and we don’ta wanta anything to doa with thata country. Can you not tella by my accent? I was borna in Hull and that is whya I don’t speak very good Ingleesha.”

“I have never beena to Italy ora Sicily. I’vea nota even beena across the ‘Humber into Lincolnshirea.”

The Lincolnshire Sausage hope that sense is restored in Hull and people return to buying their daily dose of junk food from all takeaway establishments without ill conceived prejudices… we don’t hold out much hope.

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