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August 12, 2020

I Don’t Hear Anyone Ripping The Shit Outta Me Now Says Local Bidet Owner

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The arse washing society of the world are beside themselves with laughter today after the rest of Britain was threatened by a shortage of toilet roll.

Lincolnshire arse washer and part-time lollypop person Steve Kac-Hatch has not used toilet roll for five years after having a bidet installed as part of his bathroom upgrade. Instead, he douches himself clean every time he does a number 2, then dries himself on the hand towel, the same hand towel the family use to dry their faces on.

Mr Kac-Hatch told The Sausage: “Ever since I had the bidet install, I have been the butt of everyone’s jokes, but I tell you what… all of them jokes have come back to haunt my so called friends as its ten quid a go now. They are all queing up for a hands-free arse spraying. It gets right in there, blasting out the nooks and crannies like a jet washer. It’s such a good clean, you can dry yourself off with the face towel and brush your teeth with the towel right after!” 

“I have also got myself one of those fancy card readers the supermarkets use so my friends and family can ‘swipe and wipe’ effectively. This time next year Rodney, I will be a millionaire.”

‘Who’s laughing now!’

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