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August 9, 2020

‘Coronavirus My Arse! We Will Fight It On The Beaches’ Say Churchill Loving British Bellends


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People from far and wide flocked to the coast this weekend as they mistook a message from our prime minister, advising people to stay indoors and social distance to mean ‘go out in the biggest gang you can find’.

Mr Johnson’s advice to stay inside as part of the fight against the Coronavirus pandemic, was instead interpreted by the nation as “We will fight it on the beaches!” A slightly altered quote from Winston Churchill.

After Mr Johnsons announcement on Friday, all across Britain, everyman and his dog simply ignored his advice and decided to descend upon areas of natural beauty, national trust venues and good old seaside resorts like our very own popular SkegVegas behaving like the reckless stupid tossers we think they are. 

You know the type, with 60 packs of toilet rolls and a shit load of pasta crammed into their one bed flat and who think their British status makes them invincible because people they vaguely remember, once won a war or two whilst having to share an egg between a family of twenty while forced to sit in a badly constructed metal shit shed pretending to be a bomb shelter in the garden. Those kinds of bellends…

Which they have happily confirmed.

Dickhead and full-time arsehole, Pharral Destiny of S-cunthorpe told The Sausage: “I woke up and I thought ‘bugger me the sun’s out, let’s get oursens down ta Skegvegas and have a bash on the 2p machines, have a few spliffs and a couple of Stella’s on the beach whilst the kids play, and then some good old fish ‘n’ chips now that we can eat them out of tatty newspapers now that we aren’t in that crappy EU’. Well you have to make the best of the good weather, especially now that the pubs are shut.”

“It was chuffing rammed with good old patriotic Brits (other fuckwits: Sausage Edit) like me, queuing up shoulder to shoulder showing the Coronavirus that us Brits ain’t scared. My great – nan lived through the Blitz you know! So says me dad and nan anyways, I’ve never met the old bag, she’s a bit cuckoo and likes hitting people with her shit bag apparently.”

“Would you believe it…I heard that some losers spent the whole two days indoors, not seeing people. What the Fuck? I do feel sorry for them as they may not get another banging weekend like this for ages. Like me Nan always said, fresh air cures all.”

The Sausage has some advice.

Don’t be a DICK!  Play the game as it may save your life and others.

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