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July 2, 2020

The Nations Birds All In A Flap Over Human Flu


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Birds across the world are fearing the potential spread of ‘Human Flu’ and  are considering a global lock-down after scientists suggested that the human Coronavirus, Covid 19, may spread among the avian population.

Big Bird, a spokesperson for birds told The Sausage earlier today: “All birds should consider reducing the amount they travel, particularly those birds who naturally migrate and should  remain in the country in which they are in or go back to their country of origin.”

“Also, ducks, swans or any parklife birds must not, I repeat must not accept any source of bread or food from any human, no matter how preened and clean they appear. The advice is just to fly away.”

“Birds of a feather please don’t flock together. As of midnight this coming Friday all bird tables,feeders and baths will be closed.”

A Seagull who is self-isolating in an old crab pot tweeted.

“If we’re not allowed to leave our nests, how are we supposed to shit on cars, steal sausage rolls and ice cream off vulnerable children and look menacing at humans whilst they eat their fish and chips?”

Paul McCartney, head of the National Wings Group, welcomed the measures being put in place but warned: “most birds will heed the government’s advice, but some little tits and  especially sparrows, crows and magpies are just a bunch of little arseholes and will do as they chuffing well like, no matter what the government says.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we have to get the gamekeepers on the streets to police the movement of the birds, we don’t want to enforce a curfew but if birds don’t play by the rules the government may bring shooting season to the streets.”

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