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May 28, 2020

Revealed: Male Mini Cooper Convertible Drivers Are Bigger Tossers Than Audi Drivers, Says General Public


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The Sausage learnt today that the Pandemic of mini cooper drivers is worse than expected.

Male Mini Cooper drivers seem to follow a few of the same traits such as, being a jumped up little bastard who are trying to look wealthier than they usually are. Trying to make their mark in the property industry by having at least one buy to let property – usually found in a poverty stricken area just so they can wave their copy of The Daily Heil at their generally hapless and unemployed tennant while telling them to get a job when the rent is late.

Dave Wornson a 64 year-old Mini Cooper S driver from Lincolnshire told The Sausage: “When I’m in my snazzy convertible blasting around the Lincolnshire countryside and classy market towns such as Gainsborough wearing my Spanish beach bought Ray-Ban shades while listing to Radio 2, the confidence that oozes out of me is unbelievable. I feel like James Bond ‘men want to be me, women want to be with me!’ 

For example, when I stop at traffic lights I can feel women half my age looking at me whilst saying quietly in their head ‘wow look at that guy I wish he was my husband’.”

“I know the guys at work just stand and stare at me when I pull up in the morning and when I leave in the evening, they just stand in awe, with mouths wide open. I just know their thinking, I wish I was like Dave, works hard, plays hard, lives the dream and has 187 horsepower to play with.”

The Sausage did manage to get an opinion on Dave from one of his work colleagues who wishes to remain anonymous. He said:”to be honest, I thought the guy was a bit of dick anyhow, but he kinda cemented my thoughts on him when he bought the car.”

We also managed to pol several young women half his age and showed them a picture of him sat in his car recreating the ‘James Bond waiting at the traffic lights scenario’ and the general response was ‘ewwwwwwwwwwww, hell no grandad!’ Sorry Dave – double ‘no’ seven – Wornson.

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