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August 12, 2020

Heroic Lincolnshire Man Risks Life And Limb To Buy Essential Bottle Of Brandy For His Mum


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An incredibly brave and selfless man has risked catching the coronavirus at a Gainsborough supermarket because his mother needed some brandy and six bottles of lemonade because she cannot go out because of her twelve week lockdown. 

Andy Mann had ventured out to his local Lidl and Aldi last night wearing only a protective mask made from his wifes stockings and a pair of safety glasses he managed to snaffle from work.

Andy Mann told The Sausage: “I had to visit the two shops because my mother only likes Lidl’s brandy and Aldi’s lemonade. And if you get them the wrong way round you are in big trouble,I’m not saying she is short tempered but she has the snapping resistance of a Kit Kat.”

“But it’s at times like this you find the inner strength you never knew you had. I was terrified the whole entire time I was out there, but I did it. I can only imagine it being the same fear our soldiers and the soldiers from our colonies felt as they were sent to their deaths in WW1.”

“I heard a man cough in the coffee aisle and almost fainted  from trying not to breathe, but I carried on regardless commando rolling into the bread aisle were I mange catch my breath just before I heard an old lady sneezing, it was like I was playing some sort of Supermarket Pac-Man I should get a medal of some sort from the Queen for my bravery after this.” 

“On the plus side I managed to get myself three essential grab bags of Doritos and a jar of essential salsa dip.”

“The problem is that post-lockdown my mother only stocked up on 6 bottles of brandy and 18 bottle of lemonade, she was slightly naive in thinking that she would be allowed out and believed the pandemic would only last a week or two.”

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