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August 12, 2020

Archives for May 2020

To Infinity And Colon!

A red faced man who turned up at Lincoln County Hospitals A&E department has denied allegations of sexual perversion, instead claiming he was conducting an experiment to see if a large object would fit in a small hole. Simon Blenkout from Marton, was forced to visit his local Accident & Emergency department after getting an

Cummings InThe Clear, As He Was Delivering Essential Drugs To Northumberland Says County Lines Drug Lord.

Local Drug Lord Levi Skaggface told The Sausage: “Lockdown has provided us with many obstacles and with many dealers including myself having to furlough their county lines drug runners to keep cost down and due to the lack of work with travel restrictions in place, we had to look down different avenues.”  “How was I

Does A Day Out In Skegness Make You Disabled?

Thousands of ‘disabled’ folk have flocked to Lincolnshire’s coast and ignored threats by the locals to stay away or else get burned in a Wickerman after coronavirus restrictions were eased by our main man in charge Boris Johnson. In Skegness on Wednesday, May 20, there were long queues for Skegness’ latest must go to attraction.

We Will Hunt You Down And Burn You In Wickermen Say Lincolnshire Seaside Locals.

Seaside towns across Lincolnshire have launched a new campaign warning people that if they come and visit, they will be hunted down by angry inbred locals with pitchforks and burning torches.  If captured you shall be placed in a Wickerman along with other captured tourists and burnt. Following that the hungry seagulls will pick over

Hooray Hooray It’s A Furlough Holiday!

A furloughed factory worker from Gainsborough who has been at home for the past six weeks due to the Coronavirus lockdown, has said that he doesn’t mind ‘one bit’, and that he hopes it goes on for many more months. David Woodson, who works at a manufacturing company making automated packaging equipment told The Sausage:”The

Thousands Of Brits Working From Home Sent Back To Work For Being Late And Lazy Arses As Boris Says ‘Playtime Is Over!’

Thousands of Brits face economic and financial ruin after facing the sack for starting work late most mornings despite working from home during the lockdown period. It was originally thought by the powers that be that the idea of not having to get up and have a shower, get dressed and commute to a place

Austerity Hits Coronavirus Testing Firm Forced To Furlough Staff As Government ‘Ignores’ Offer To Help NHS

Austerity Hits, a firm based in Saxilby Lincolnshire notified The Sausage today that it has been forced to put staff on government paid furlough scheme after its offers to supply Covid-19 test kits were ignored. Head of European operations Tess Ting told The Sausage “We contacted the government telling them that we could provide at

As The Nation Rejoices At Piers Morgan Self Isolating From GMB, The Search Is On To Find A Virus Which Will Keep Him Off Twitter

The oddly popular breakfast TV presenter and first class gob shite Piers Morgan has had to step back from his presenting duties on Good Morning Britain while he awaits the results after being tested for Covid-19. The presenter was showing mild symptoms associated with the Coronavirus and was quickly tested. He is distancing himself from

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