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August 12, 2020

Austerity Hits Coronavirus Testing Firm Forced To Furlough Staff As Government ‘Ignores’ Offer To Help NHS


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Austerity Hits, a firm based in Saxilby Lincolnshire notified The Sausage today that it has been forced to put staff on government paid furlough scheme after its offers to supply Covid-19 test kits were ignored.

Head of European operations Tess Ting told The Sausage “We contacted the government telling them that we could provide at least 5000 coronavirus test kits a week but we have just been ignored by the powers that be.”

“We also informed the government that we could supply gowns and surgical masks from our fancy dress section but all they ordered was a clowns outfit.”

“Our company provided Covid-19 home testing kits during a large order from one NHS trust in mid April but since then the work has dried up giving us no option but to furlough 22 of our 30 staff, with the government paying 80% of their wages. There is just not enough testing going on to keep the employees in work.”

“Despite our offer to help the government out in these uncertain times, they just don’t want to know. They obviously have a better offer from elsewhere.” 

“I am suspecting that those businesses who donated more to the Conservative election funds than my boss – Jacob Mees-Dogg – might be getting preferential treatment. Believe me, Jacob is a huge Tory supporter, austerity has been great for the business but I guess he is not yet fully in bed with the bigger boys… but that’s just my opinion.”

“Basically we are watching the business that we have built from the ground up over the past 15 years slowly go to the dogs and now we have no option but to rely on government grants to keep our workforce going even though our skills are apparently so in demand and in short supply.”

“You have to ask the question, why give us 80% of their wages to sit around doing nothing when they could pay us their wages through an order of PPE and testing kits and at the same time give much needed equipment to a struggling NHS and prevent further loss of life. It’s like we have a government comprising fuckwits, cockwombles and bellends.”

The Sausage asked a well known Tory voter and die hard Leave supporter, Brexit Bob, for a balanced view on the situation. “Bugger off! Boris is doing a great job! As long as I am safe and get my pension and my wife’s Personal Independence Payment, I don’t care what happens to anyone else, in Britain or abroad… especially abroad.”

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