Thousands of Brits face economic and financial ruin after facing the sack for starting work late most mornings despite working from home during the lockdown period.
It was originally thought by the powers that be that the idea of not having to get up and have a shower, get dressed and commute to a place of work would have given the worker extratime, giving them extra energy and edge to work from home and maintain the performance that they give in the office.
It hasn’t worked out that way though, according to the figures released by the government this morning it looks like the average homeworker only puts in about 33.789% effort during their shift.
David Slackson MP, the Minister for the governments People Working From Home Department told The Sausage: “We anticipated a massive surge in productivity levels due to people working in the comfort of their own homes, but it has obviously massively backfired.”
“It turns out, British homeworkers are just a set of lazy toads, and this lockdown has proven that fact. In fact some are turning up to their office over an hour late with bedhead and morning breath, wearing nothing but their crusty undercrackers. Some are still half cut from the day before, and some seem to think it’s ok to have a liquid lunch which carries on into an afternoon drinking session on zoom with the rest of the office.”
“Not all homeworkers are this bad, some do actually get dressed but spend most of their time doing household chores and home schooling children rather than doing admin.”
“I pushed Boris to let people work from home and trusted the general public not to treat it as a holiday, but I feel that the workers have screwed me over with their general attitude. I feel like a disappointed parent, you wouldn’t catch any of us honest politicians or our top advisors doing anything like this. We work hard, play hard and most definitely stick to the rules.”
Because of the British public’s lack of loyalty for the companies they work for, and choosing to spend most of their time watching NetFlix and chill instead of doing the work they promised they would do, the government has decided to send people – those who have not yet been sacked – back to work before it is safe. Boris Johnson dropped the bombshell yesterday when he addressed the nation giving another nonsensical speech which has caused yet more confusion than clarity.
Charles Adrianworth responded on Twitter to the prime minister’s speech with “So I have to go back and spend time in a factory with inadequate air flow with people who I have no way of knowing their social history over the last few weeks who will come and spend hours chatting shit to me right into my face but I can’t go and spend time with my islated parents who have gone no further than their front door to retrieve their mail which drops into a bowl of disinfectant because they fear the coronavirus is waiting outside to jump on them like a mugger? What a crock of shit!”