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May 28, 2020

Hooray Hooray It’s A Furlough Holiday!


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A furloughed factory worker from Gainsborough who has been at home for the past six weeks due to the Coronavirus lockdown, has said that he doesn’t mind ‘one bit’, and that he hopes it goes on for many more months.

David Woodson, who works at a manufacturing company making automated packaging equipment told The Sausage:”The lockdown came just at the right time for me because I was thinking of leaving this god forsaken place anyway.”

“But the chancellor gave me a gold plated holiday ticket and very kindly offered to cover 80% of my income. What an absolute hero, I think he deserves a knighthood for what he has done. ‘Arise Sir Sunak’.”

“Without my traveling costs I am actually £20 a week better off as the furlough pay is based on last year’s salary, and I batted in a shed load of overtime last year. So it’s winner winner, chicken dinner for me and an extra few crates Batemans ale!”

“To be honest I hate work. I hate the stuff we make, the factory, the machinery, and the people. Too many cockwombles for my liking. But the one thing I hate the most is that bloody klaxon. We are governed by it. When it’s time to start work it goes off, at break it goes off, it goes off at lunch. It’s a bloody racket! The only good thing about it is the four o’clock klaxon telling us it’s home time and that we can sod off.”

“It’s like something from a prisoner of war camp. I half expect the gaffer, kamp komandant Heir Lipp to come out of his office and do a roll call on us prisoners. ‘For you Ingleesh svines, ze var iz over, unt you iz ere to verk!’ I’d like to get that klaxon and stuff it so far up the gaffer’s arse that when he opens his mouth he squawks like a bastard!)

“I think this lockdown is great, I spend most of my day lounging around in me undercrackers. In fact I’ve managed to catch up on a few of my vintage porno’s. Even some me and the wife made back in the 80’s… although I try to ignore her perm and my dodgy tash. And when 12 o’clock comes round I crack open a beer and drink the afternoon away.If I had one complaint about furlough, it would be the inconsistency in the weather but who cares when you have got 40 hours a week to yourself.”

“I’m an optimistic person and I hope the lockdown carries on for a couple more months or more as I’m retiring in November and it should see me through nicely.”

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