Seaside towns across Lincolnshire have launched a new campaign warning people that if they come and visit, they will be hunted down by angry inbred locals with pitchforks and burning torches.
If captured you shall be placed in a Wickerman along with other captured tourists and burnt. Following that the hungry seagulls will pick over your charred remains.
Mr C. Side, head of The Lincolnshire Tourism Board told The Sausage: “Normally we love to show off Lincolnshire’s characteristic flat coastline and our fantastic array of arcades and shitpipes, but this year we are closed due to the Coronavirus and closed means closed. A bit like ‘leave means leave’.”
“I can understand why you tourists want to flock and spend all of your lovely hard earned money on the 2p machines, crappy kiss me quick hats and swim amongst the tampons and turds in our polluted waters.But you will need to be patient and just wait a few weeks till this shit has all blown over. Until then, we don’t want you, so piss off and stay safe.”
Local Skeggy 2p machine attendant and part-time drug dealer Ian Bred, told the Sausage:“There ain’t no point in coming to Skegvegas as all the shutters are down and the toilets are closed. There is nowhere to score drugs plus supplies are down at the moment as I’ve been donating me coke to the NHS. You know, to keep all of them hard working doctors and nurses going.”
“Let’s face it, our Boris was never going to get the doctors what they needed. I offered my supply services early on in the pandemic but just got ignored by the government.”
So tourists, Stay Alert… and Don’t Come To The Lincolnshire Coast, or the locals will get you… and it’s shit anyway!