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July 7, 2020

Parents Rejoice As Little Darlings Go Back To School

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Parents across the land rejoice as it’s 1st of June and that means one thing, no not meeting up with 5 friends but some children are finally going back to school after a long, long Covid 19 holiday.

The school Covid19 holiday is being compared to the SAS selection process and it is rumoured that channel 4 will be running a special program next year on it.

But please don’t be too quick to judge parents, The Sausage is sure that they love their children and they are the apple of their parents eyes, but have they have had their eyes opened on how hard it is to teach their little prince or princess in the classroom and now realise that it isn’t the teachers fault that little Johnny is thick as shit.

But after nearly three long months of having them under their feet all day long, parents are feeling physically and mentally drained especially with having to deal with all of the homeschooling. One mum described it as climbing Mount Everest everyday in a 1920’s diving suit filled with red ants whilst on a heavy menstrual cycle.

Teachers across the land heaved a deep sigh of disbelief as the end of May approached knowing that the little shits were returning. That is unless they’re also parents. In which case they can at least look forward to different children whining at them all day long, coming at them with their candle noses and tears of parental separation streaming down their faces.

Children in books spend their time off school having adventures, catching criminals, playing poo sticks at the local sream and travelling through time traveling wormholes, but all the child of today wants to do is sprawl on the sofa watching cartoons or murder people with rocket launchers on their Xboxes. 

An exhausted mum told the Sausage: “I can remember my days off playing in the fields, smoking a few roll-ups down the park with the odd one or two bottles of White Lightning cider.

“My kids won’t even get off the sofa, they just slob there like walruses on a rock demanding food, drinks and complaining about the speed of the wifi!”

“I cannot wait for the little bastards… sorry little darlings to go back, I just want to go back to sitting in my dressing gown drinking wine while watching reruns of Jeremy Kyle.”


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