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July 6, 2020

Waitrose To Ban The Great Unwashed To Make A Safer Shopping Experience For Wealthy Wankers


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Upper class supermarket Waitrose has taken social distancing to a whole new level – by banning anyone who doesn’t claim the maximum Furlough payment of £2500 a month or a pension which pays less than that from its shops.

The new rules, which have come into force this week, ensure that common folk are kept apart from the more affluent, cleaner and nice middle class shoppers.

Waitrose spokesperson Delhi Counter Told The Sausage: “We want our shoppers to feel like they are A list celebrities when they visit our shops.”

“They should be able to park the Jag or Audi and walk around the store without having to breath the same air as the great unwashed, further still actually have to come in contact with any of them or have to smell their wretched odour.” 

“The social distancing requirements have given us the perfect opportunity to do what we always wanted and bar all common folk from our premises as we all know common folk only get a Waitrose card so they can get a free coffee when they visit. Some just fill a travel mug up and walk out.”

“It is common knowledge that the common folk are dirty and disease ridden. They live in small tenements, shanty-towns and ghettos. They gather in large numbers and have large families with several children all sharing the same bedroom. Often sharing the same bed the dirty buggers.” 

“Wealthy and successful people live in big houses, sometimes parents and children don’t see each other for days. Their houses are surrounded with large moat-like gardens keeping safe distance from their neighbours. They do business over zoom and mobile phones. There is very little chace that wealthy and successful people will be carriers of Covid-19 unlike common folk because they self-isolate by nature anyway.”

And we at Waitrose want to keep our customers germ free. They should be able to come and shop here and mingle with their cleaner own kind rather than be forced to mingle with the muggles of society.”

Waitrose security staff have all been on a training course and will man the doors with sniffer dogs carrying out common folk class detector tests. This will involve studying visitors’ clothing brands,checking how they smell and there will also be a random credit check.

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