Scunny resident John Brownson has cut his beard after nine months, only to remember the original purpose of the beard was to hide his dumb looking baby face and four chins from others.
John told The Sausage: “It’s not that I think I’m dog ugly, it’s just that my face is a bit dumb and simple looking. When other people can’t see it they like me more and the women find me more attractive.”
“The beard was my latest attempt in a series of fashion and style choices which are meant to hide my many flaws. I tried wearing a series of hats to hide my receding hairline, unnecessary lens free glasses to cover the bags under my eyes and an intense obsession with fantasy football to hide my complete lack of personality.”
“John has what is scientifically identified as dumb face,” said Dr Fox from Lincoln University.
“It mainly has to do with the chin to lip to nose ratio and maybe something to do with the interbreeding program in Scunthorpe in the late eighties.”
“Body shaming is wrong and has no place in this world but the face shaming is medically accurate in this case as he has a face only a mother could love.” Added Dr Fox.