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November 30, 2020

Gainsborough Declares Crackdown On Non Cannabis-Users


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Gainsborough folk who do not smoke cannabis face fines and could be sent to prison under tough new drug laws.

The small inbred Lincolnshire town is to make cannabis use compulsory for all residents under 50 years old with penalties for anyone who does not have any form of the drug in a bedroom drawer or bathroom cabinet.

A spokesperson from Lincolnshire Council told The Sausage: “Gainsborough’s culture of interbreeding and relaxed under achievement is only made possible by its vast appetite for cannabis and various other narcotics. Yet there is still a small element of the town who insist on a drug-free lifestyle.”

“We have no place for people who want to hold down a full time job and drive a rust free fancy car. This town has a rich history of druggies and drug use, and we cannot have people who want to make a better life for themselves showing up the rest of the population. It is unfair to them.”

“How can we expect them to feel good about the lifestyle choices and decisions they have made, when Miss Debbie Dontdodrugs and Mr Kenny Clean is swanning around looking alive, youthful and able to see the world with eyes not clouded by a chemically induced purple haze?” 

“Shouting at pigeons on a Saturday in the market square and giggling to themselves behind B&M bargains while supping bottles of White Lightening smacked out on Ketamine is what these people look forward to. It’s all they have got in life… that and ongoing free government funding.”

“They do not want Mr & Mrs Goodytwoshoes making them feel bad because they cannot or refuse to fend for themselves, preferring to take money from the local authority they believe is run by the evil elitist cabal forcing all people to be slaves… which they clearly are not, otherwise they wouldn’t be behind B&Ms shouting at pigeons while shit faced would they? But that’s another story.”

“So basically, the local council’s advice is to skin up or leave town, you pompous self-righteous twats.”

The Sausage was able to get a few words from Scabby Abbie while she was taking a break from shouting at a postbox in the town centre. She had this to say about non drug users.

“Fer-fer fooks sake, ha-ha-haow are you to see the evil elitist puppet masters around yer if yer is not taking, yer know wot I mean man? It’s fooked up, I’m telling yer… we are slaves man. We ‘ave no freedoms man, and that coronavirus, you know it’s a hoax right? Designed t-t-terrr keep us all in our homes like happy lickle sheep man. Not me man, I do whatever I want yer know… I’m not staying in fer no one… I’m no sheeple, and they spread it through Corona beer man, they are involved too, man. It’s all fer tax and profits man.”

Before we were able to ask how a hoax virus can at the same time be spread via a beer with a similar name, Scabby Abbie leapt up to chase a pigeon she believes is a government drone sent to monitor the public and spy on her specifically.

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