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September 23, 2020

Sheep Dips To Be Trialed At Airports


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A statement released last night from Downing St says that sheep dips are to be trialed at airports from next week.This is the latest move by the Government in a bid to halt the spread of Covid-19.

The proven system used by farmers across the world to protect their sheep against infestation from external parasites is going to be used on a trial basis over the next six weeks for people who are entering the country. Especially those returning from holidays in countries like Spain which is currently an official Covid-19 hot spot according to our Government even though their infection and death rate is lower than the UK’s.

Sheep dipping troughs are to be installed in every airport nationwide over the weekend and should be operational from 7:30am Monday morning.

The health minister told The Sausage: “All people entering the UK and Northern Ireland will be ordered to bathe in water containing insecticides and fungicide before leaving the airport. No-one is exempt and those who refuse will be forcefully dunked by a specialist sheep dipping team made up of farmers and SAS soldiers.” 

“We have been running some secret trials over the past few weeks on the nation’s prisoners. At the beginning some of them lost a few inches of skin and sadly we lost a six fingered dwarf in our Lincolnshire trial. But after a bit of trial and error, we believe we now have a mix that suits all skin types even though some bleaching and redness may occur.”

“The Person Dipping programme also shows that Boris and our Government are committed in the fight against Coronavirus and once again it proves we are world leaders in fighting the infection. Nowhere else in the world is using sheep dips. The only country that comes close is America with their waterboarding center but we won’t go into that.”

Professional person dipper Shane McEast added: “A lot of the prisoners complained about their eyes burning and temporary blindness but we managed to solve that problem by giving them a quick slap or two, a set of goggles and told them to hold their nose. They seemed fine so I assure the great people of Britain that there is nothing to be scared of. But just so you are sure, you’re going in one way or another.” 

The Conservative Government have created a new catchy slogan for the PD programme, ‘Get dipped or get whipped’. Conservatives, Brextremists and gammons alike do love a slogan.

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