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September 23, 2020

Local Football Dad Counts How Many Weekends Are Ruined As FA Email Fixture List.


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A local football dad, who wishes to remain anonymous because his missus would batter ten bells of shit out of him if she found out he was moaning, was absolutely heartbroken this morning after opening up his emails.

Dave (not his real name) logged into his computer to check his emails when he got to work and bang, it hit him, every weekend until next April ruined by kids football.

Dave told The Sausage: “I could feel the whole world falling out of my arse. All I could do was just sit and stare at my screen in disbelief.”

“South Shields away! ‘You’ve gotta be chuffing kidding me’ I shouted. Infact I shouted it that loud I made Bethany from accounts drop her coffee.”

“One hundred plus miles to watch my child play football on a Saturday morning. I don’t believe it, we have to be there for 9:30am as kick-off is at 10:30. God knows what time we’ll have to set off to get there.”

“You can tell the coaches don’t have lives other than football, football and chuffing football. They obviously don’t realise how hard it is to get a child ready in the morning, or that people have other hobbies rather than football.”

“I just wanna have a lay in on a Saturday morning after 50 odd hours at work or go somewhere I actually enjoy. I can’t remember signing a contract when little Timmy was born saying I will drive all over the country on a Saturday morning just to get pissing wet while watching him play only twenty minutes of football.”

“To be honest I’d sooner put pins in my eyes or stuff wasps up my arse than drive to South Shields on a wet September morning. To top it off, it’s Birmingham the week after! Who the hell gets any enjoyment out of this?”

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