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July 2, 2020

Crime

BREAKING NEWS: GOVERNMENT ADVISES AGAINST ALL NON-ESSENTIAL TRAVEL TO S’CUNTHORPE!

The British Government has advised against all non-essential travel to S’cunthorpe A government spokesperson has confirmed that official advice about travelling to ‘The Arsehole  of Lincolnshire’ – also known as the ‘Lincolnshire’s Front Bottom’’ – has been issued. He told The Sausage: “We are now advising people against all non-essential travel to Sunny Scummy and

Back-pedalling Journalist’s

Today tabloid journalists have taken up reverse cycling lessons so that they can learn to backpedal faster in the wake of another murder-by-media case. Reverse cycling lessons have become all the rage this morning among guilt riddled tabloid journalists as they help reporters develop the muscles and the stamina they need to backpedal more quickly.

Prince Andrew To Appear In A Jeremy Kyle One Off Special.

In a statement a palace spokesperson told The Sausage: “Prince Andrew will appear on a one off special of the Jeremy Kyle Show next Wednesday in a bid to clear his name and quash some of the allegations that have been thrown at him. It seems like short notice but honestly this has been planned

Drink Drive? Who Me? No I’m Just A Human Brewery!

A teetotal Lincoln factory worker arrested by Lincolnshire Traffic Police for drink driving had his conviction overturned when it was revealed that he actually has a bizarre and rare medical condition called ABS (auto-brewery-syndrome) which causes his stomach to brew beer. Paul Brewer-Barleyson 58 from Westwick Drive Lincoln was stopped on Tillbridge Lane in the

Urgent Police Investigation Launched Into Sex Worker Trafficking After Hearing ‘9 Vans Of Virgin Workers Spotted In Gainsborough’.

It has been revealed that Lincolnshire police have now closed a massive investigation into alleged sex worker trafficking in Gainsborough after they realised that 9 vans of workers seen parked up on a local road were workers for Virgin Media and not ‘virgin’ sex workers.  The investigation was launched after detective A. Rsetoot of the

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