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January 29, 2020

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Addict?” I Can Stop Anytime!”

A Lincolnshire man who drinks a litre and a half of brake fluid every day claims that he’s not addicted and that he can stop any time he wants. Paul Halt, 45, began drinking brake fluid on his 16th birthday and he has been drinking it everyday since. “I started by just doing shots of

Prime Pensioner!

A lovely kind hearted retired neighbour in Lincolnshire has confirmed that it is ‘absolutely fine’ and he is in no way cheesed off about collecting his neighbours Amazon deliveries. The good willed neighbour named Ronald told The Sausage “that is was no problem whatsoever” to be regularly interrupted and used as a parcel pick-up point

Layer Up For A Cold Damp Election Day.

Lincolnshire parents have been advised by the Met office to layer up on their pajamas and put their fluffy winter dressing gown on today for the morning school run as it’s a bit fresh out there. The school run could take a little longer this morning due to there being a General Election with mum’s

Food Banks Or Johnny Foreigners, Who Wins? You Decide!

Voters in Lincolnshire face an agonising choice in the upcoming general election as they attempt to balance their dislike of Johnny foreigners or their general hatred of anyone with money. It’s a dilemma which is causing mental torment and creating a lot of soul searching throughout the county. It could basically come down to… do

Child Tortures Parents With Violin!

The parents of a naturally musically un-gifted child have discovered that a violin can sound upto twenty five times worse than the ear splitting recorder. Tanya and Paul Fiddlebottom had been getting migraines from their daughter’s recorder renditions of Little Donkey and Three Blind Mice, and thought getting her a violin would lead to a

Umbrella Sir? No Thanks I’m Too Manly For That.

Men would rather be a snotty, uncontrollable shivering mess on the verge of pneumonia or death than use an umbrella and look like a soft big girls blouse it has been revealed. Office dweller, sorry office worker Luke Warm insists on going out in the rain wearing just a jacket causing him to get soaked

Prince Andrew To Appear In A Jeremy Kyle One Off Special.

In a statement a palace spokesperson told The Sausage: “Prince Andrew will appear on a one off special of the Jeremy Kyle Show next Wednesday in a bid to clear his name and quash some of the allegations that have been thrown at him. It seems like short notice but honestly this has been planned

Humpty Dumpty Fit For Work Say DWP

Humpty Dumpty spoke of his shock and disbelief yesterday after learning that he had been found fit for work after enduring a probing assessment by examiners at the Department for Work and Pensions. Mr Dumpty, who has been left unable to walk, talk properly, move or even play bingo since being smashed into multiple pieces

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